"Back in Joppa," Hope whispered, "I saw that look."
and then
"Back in Joppa," Hope whispered, "I saw that look." A snake, a rabid dog, a madman.
and then I
"I saw that look back in Joppa," Hope whispered.
but
"I saw that look back in Joppa," Hope whispered. The unfeeling eye of a snake, a rabid dog, a madman.
however
"I saw that look back in Joppa," Hope whispered. The
and let's just
"I saw that look back in Joppa," Hope whispered. The pitiless gaze of a snake, a
while we're at it
"I saw that look back in Joppa," Hope whispered. The pitiless gaze of a feral dog, a snake,
which takes us from our original
"Back in Joppa," Hope whispered, "I saw that look."
to
"I saw that look back in Joppa," Hope whispered. The pitiless gaze of a feral dog, a snake, a madman.
and I think that's much better.
Anyway, happy Friday one and all. Tonight Mighty Reader and I are going to go see the fabulous Picasso exhibit at the SAM (150 works of art shipped all the way from the Paris Picasso Museum just for us)! I hope to make it downtown in time for a cocktail before the viewing. I have no idea what we'll have for dinner afterwards, only that dinner will be had at a very late hour indeed. Elevenish, likely. Pagliacci's might be getting some of my money.
You? Fabulous plans for Friday night?
Are you missing quotation marks in your second example?
ReplyDeleteThat sounds about right, except that you missed out all the cursing and the pacing up and down racking your brain for the right phrase.
ReplyDeleteYum, good food and art. I'd call that a fine success. Have fun!
ReplyDeleteAnd I love your sentence. :)
I liked the sequence of snake --> sog --> madman better, but possibly for more taxonomic reasons than literary ones. lol
ReplyDeleteGood sentence, and fun to see the mind of Bailey at work.
That sounds like a great evening!
I'm possibly going to go to the Lens Crafters (tm), if we have one around here, and I will also pay my rent.
I think yours sounds better.
I love this history of a sentence ... what a brilliant idea for a post, and how inspiring to see the progression to something vivid.
ReplyDeleteMy Friday night sounds about like C.N.'s, but with a glass of wine thrown in.
So that's how a real writer writes. I always wondered.
ReplyDeleteMy Friday night will consist of a meeting with my critique group then home to beddy bye.
Justus: No, the snake, dog etc are all internal to Hope. It's something she feels, not something she says or even could articulate.
ReplyDeleteMartin: Yeah, that all took about half an hour in real life!
Michelle: I just hope we can take in all the exhibit in 2.5 hours. It suddenly seems like not much time.
Nevets: Having "snake" first ruined the forward motion of the sentence, the long "a" and the hard "k" putting too much of a full stop in the middle, so I moved the polysyllabic "feral dog" with its softer consonants into the first position.
I need to see about getting a new prescription, too.
Cathryn: Well, I am of course fascinated with my own editing process. But wine! Any evening is better with wine!
Chuck: It's how one writer writes. There are plenty of other ways!
ReplyDeleteJust making sure I wasn't misinterpreting Hope. You know how women are.
ReplyDeleteWord.
ReplyDeleteScott, I kept thinking of doing a post like this. I think yours turned out a lot better than mine would have, though.
ReplyDeleteTonight I'm making chocolate mousse! I'm also finishing up my last week of P90X. My goal is to completely cancel out my 90 minute workout with one bowl of dessert.
Mmm. Chocolate mousse...
ReplyDeleteSorry, did someone say something else?
Oh yes. My plans should include something pretty much like this post only when I get to the 19th version of the sentence I'll probably either have a panic attack and start eating ground coffee straight from the bag or trying to fall asleep and seeing said sentence in my nightmares.
Alternately, I owe someone a letter, and writing those is much less stressful. And less caffeinated.
Happy Friday, everybody.
~bru
Domey: Contrast is good; you are your own foil character!
ReplyDeleteBru: I have sworn to write more letters this year. It's a dying art.
Most of my sentences aren't getting this sort of shock treatment. Just them what needs it.
LOL; way cool.
ReplyDelete........dhole
What is the longest amount of time you have ever agonized over one sentence?
ReplyDeleteYou mean in one sitting, or total cumulative hours?
ReplyDeleteA few nights ago I looked at a sentence and I realized that this particular sentence and I hated each other; we were the most bitter of enemies. I ended up writing a 250-word paragraph to replace this demonic sentence. Victory over evil! But it took some time.
ReplyDeleteI am jealous: Picasso and cocktail and chocolate mousse.
ReplyDeleteDomey: a friend of mine did p90x and she said it was really good for her. From her descriptions however, I don't think I can deal with ti.
Yat-Yee, cool pic! Aren't you this super-studdess martial artist? I bet you can do P90X. I'm on my last week!
ReplyDeleteDomey, you got me confused with someone else. Super-studdess and me are on the two extreme end of the spectrum.
ReplyDeleteGo, you! Conquer that P90X then celebrate with more chocolate mousse!