Dear William,
Thanks so much for submitting your play "Romeo and Juliet" for consideration. I think that you did an excellent job of establishing the time and place of historical Verona, and some of the dialogue (especially the opening sequence of ribald jokes between the two gentlemen) is very funny indeed. I also liked the 'forbidden romance' plot, which you introduced right away. However, as the story progressed I felt that the characters were spending a lot of time running from set to set, location to location, and the mood of the play became increasingly depressing rather than entertaining. As a result, I'm afraid that we will have to pass on "Romeo and Juliet." Best of luck placing this with another publisher.
Yours sincerely,
John Danter
London, 1597
Dear Leo,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for submitting your novel "Anna Karenina" for consideration. I think that you did an excellent job of describing the lifestyle of Russian aristocracy, and some of the character descriptions (especially those of Anna and Kitty) are very well done indeed. I also liked the 'forbidden romance' plot. However, as the story progressed I felt that the characters were spending a lot of time running from set to set, location to location, and the mood of the novel became increasingly depressing rather than entertaining. As a result, I'm afraid that we will have to pass on "Anna Karenina." Best of luck placing this with another publisher.
Yours sincerely,
Mikhail Markov
Moscow, 1877
Dear Ernest,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for submitting your novel "A Farewell to Arms" for consideration. I think that you did an excellent job describing historical Italy during WWI, and some of the character descriptions (especially that of the Italian surgeon) are very well done indeed. I also liked the 'forbidden romance' plot with the English nurse. However, as the story progressed I felt that the characters were spending a lot of time running from set to set, location to location, and the mood of the novel became increasingly depressing rather than entertaining. As a result, I'm afraid that we will have to pass on "A Farewell to Arms." Best of luck placing this with another publisher.
Yours sincerely,
Al Knopf
New York City, 1929
Dear Jane,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for submitting your novel "Pride and Prejudice" for consideration. I think that you did an excellent job describing the accuracy of a single woman's plight (especially a single, headstrong and independent woman), and some of the character descriptions (especially that of Mrs. Bennett) are very well done indeed. I also liked the 'forbidden romance' plot with Kitty and Mr. Wickham. However, as the story progressed I felt that the characters were spending a lot of time running from set to set, location to location, and the mood of the novel became increasingly depressing rather than entertaining. As a result, I'm afraid that we will have to pass on a "Pride and Prejudice." Best of luck placing this with another publisher.
Yours sincerely,
T. Egerton
London, 1813
Dear John,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for submitting your novel "The Lord of the Rings" for consideration. I think that you did an excellent job of establishing the time and place of mythical Middle Earth, and some of the scenes (especially the opening birthday party and a lot of the other interactions with the smaller people) are very funny indeed. I also liked the 'reformed Iago' plot with the Gollum fellow. However, as the story progressed I felt that the characters were spending a lot of time running from set to set, location to location, and the mood of the novel became increasingly depressing rather than entertaining. As a result, I'm afraid that we will have to pass on "Lord of the Rings." Best of luck placing this with another publisher.
Yours sincerely,
Stanley Unwin
London, 1937
Dear Mr. Homer,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for submitting your work “The Odyssey” for consideration. I think that you did an excellent job of describing the historical setting of the ancient Mediterranean, and some of the descriptions (particularly that of the Circean swine) are frightfully compelling. I also liked the multiple “forbidden romance” plots. However, as the story progressed I felt that the characters were spending a lot of time running from set to set, location to location, and the mood of the story became increasingly depressing rather than entertaining. As a result, I'm afraid that we will have to pass on your sequel to “The Iliad.” Best of luck placing this with another publisher.
Cheers,
Epimetheus Titan
Athens, Time of the Grape Harvest
Oh, don't stop! This is fabulous! Best laugh I've had in days.
ReplyDeleteDear Robert,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for submitting your "Collection of Poems in the Scotch Language" for consideration. I think that you have done an excellent job of capturing rural life in Ayreshire, and some of the character descriptions (especially those the mouse and the haggis) are very well done indeed. I also liked the forbidden romance plot in "Tam O'Shanter." However, as the collection progressed, I felt that the poems grew increasingly racy and vulgar, and the collection became degrading rather than uplifting. As a result, I'm afraid that we will have to pass on your collection of poems. Best of luck placing this with another publisher.
Yours truly,
Hamish MacKay
Edinburgh, 1789
Dear Vladimir,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for submitting your novel "Lolita" for our consideration. I liked the "forbidden romance" plot, but do you realize we're a Young Adult imprint? How about a nice book about butterflies?
Yours sincerely,
J. F. Kidd
And, hey everyone, Scott was interviewed over at Yat-Yee Chong's place:
ReplyDeletehttp://yatyeechong.blogspot.com/
Dear God,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for submitting your work, "The Bible" for consideration. I think that you did an excellent job of describing the lifestyle of the poor and meek, and some of the character descriptions (especially those of Satan and Jesus) are very well done indeed. I also liked the David and Bathsheba "forbidden romance" plot. However, as the story progressed I felt that the characters were spending a lot of time running from set to set, location to location (Forty years in one desert? Really?), and the mood of the book became increasingly depressing rather than entertaining. As a result, I'm afraid that we will have to pass on "The Bible." Best of luck placing this with another publisher.
-Simon & Zealotes Press
a really long time ago
Alex, that was awesome. :)
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha!
ReplyDelete@ Mizmak
ReplyDeleteYou win!!
Thanks. I did wait most of the day to give other folks a shot before rejecting God's MS, 'cause I realized it was kind of hard to top. Though hey, please continue to have at it - these are fun! Homer was darn close to God, IMO.
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Alex
Too brilliant, and moving, and very funny.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the shout-out!
Hilarious you guys and goodness, Domey, I have notes that I had started to turn into a blog post but I scrapped it because I was worried (yes I do worry about this LOL) offending my readers. I was thinking that even God himself couldn't get the Bible published by one of the big six these days- or get an agent first-imagining that the following might be said of the work:
ReplyDeletethere is more happiness in giving
who would publish that?
"We need to cut the Psalms, unless you want to record them and make it a multi-media package and in that case I'd suggest turning it into a video game."
"We need to steam up Song of Soloman a little more. We need to see the breasts not just hear about them.
And we will need to rewrite with the Shulamite Maiden as giving up her virginity.
"You could turn it into a musical- The Whore of Babylon could have a musical number with Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber."
"DO we really need all the gospels? It's the same story over and over."
"Can't we abridge both letters to the Corinthians into one?"
And the big reason they'd turn it down...it's an anthology, or worse, a short story collection. 40 writers, 66books, there is war and murder
and beasts and supernatural things and then you've got poetry.
What genre is THAT?
~bru
The Whore of Babylon with Lady GaGa and Justin Bieber?! Oh my freakin' heck!. That is SO funny!!!
ReplyDelete